A week ago, I fished my backpack out of my closet. It’s seen much less use since living Manhattan, where going anywhere with two young children required two free hands. Here, in Bethesda, the margins are wider: spaces tend to be less crowded, street-crossing is less common, and there just seems to be less confronting us as immediate peril. When I unzipped it, I found a stash of diapers, and micro is now toilet-trained; socks he’s since outgrown; and a half-eaten packet of pretzels, used no doubt as a distraction while in some restaurant or on some stroller ride. I held the diapers in my hand in disbelief, as though confronting the remains at Pompeii. The last time I packed that bag, I had no idea it would be the final time I’d pack it with a diaper. Any parent who has survived toilet training knows that moving to life without diapers is difficult and immensely rewarding and so why would I give half of a sentimental thought to the before stage? I don’t know, but I felt something catch in my throat. I write about this, and write about this, and write about this, and still I circle the drain: how can time steal from me in this way? I feel sometimes as though he is slipping through my fingers. He is not, I know: he is here, everyday, chirping and tumbling and wailing and exclaiming. I hold him and read to him and scold him and know his every last preference. Lately, he has eschewed the lullabies I have sung him since he was an infant, “Edelweiss” from Sound of Music and “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” instead telling me: “No no no no — Woody song,” by which he means “You’ve Got a Friend in Me,” which is a surprisingly difficult tune to carry. But I do it, and every now and then, I have to compose myself mid-refrain: “But none of them will ever love you // The way I do // It’s me and you, boy.” I know even now this song will one day be a vestige of his youth, just like the diapers in the backpack and the half-eaten packet of pretzels (at one time, his preferred snack). It is jarring, though, how quickly these relics disappear beneath the rush of the everyday. You might be puttering around unassumingly one Tuesday night, packing backpacks and lunchboxes, and then you unzip a pouch and find the now-forgotten selection of rocks your daughter insisted on carrying around for months on end, and you find yourself knee-deep in an emotional archaeology.
I have no answers for this. There are no salves, no remittances. I think one of the tremendous burdens of motherhood is letting go of the firsts and lasts, but still, onward we go —
+More on firsts and lasts.
+The mercury of play as a child.
+A strange case of mom guilt — interesting comments on this one.
+The internet is going crazy over this Hunza-G inspired one-piece (under $50 — the O.G. is $205). I mentioned this recently, but my sister raves about Hunza G. She wore it while pregnant and will wear post partem too!
+I have this sage green button-front pullover in a soft terry material I bought from Old Navy like five years ago that I am obsessed with. I wear it constantly. I wish they’d bring it back because it’s my favorite lightweight layering piece for pairing with Aligns, jeans, etc when I am running errands and the like. Anyway, I found this popover that is VERY similar and am inclined to buy it as a back-up/alternative to this piece because I wear it SO MUCH. Specifically in the sage green for some reason. Looks great with light-wash denim, white, and any manner of spandex colors.
+People LOVE these Lulu-inspired leggings, BTW. Have not yet tried!
+This dress could not be any more “me” if it tried.
+Pearls and rattan — yes and yes.
+LOVE these boldly colored lacquered trays.
+FULLY in love with these planters. OMG. Beyond.
+OOO this striped dress, YES.
+These monogrammed, patterned mini stools are beyond adorable for a nursery, where there are always a million and ten needs for a stool — little ones turning off the lights, reaching books, looking out the window, etc! More finds for children’s rooms here.
+Saw this dress and immediately imagined wearing it on the FOJ.
+Love a tunic top and this one comes in the best misty shade of blue.
+Pretty decorative woven bowl.
+Just head over heels for these gingham mules.
+Chic dress — would wear to a backyard BBQ.
+Excuse me but this $28 sweater gives me major La Ligne vibes…love both colors!