I read a quote two or three weeks ago that has sat uncomfortably with me for awhile:
“People-pleasing is an unconscious attempt to control someone’s opinion of you.”
Initially, I bristled at the idea that accommodating someone else’s wants, needs, or preferences was in some way self-serving, or self-aggrandizing. If anything, people-pleasing seems to me akin to self-erasure! I think back on my teenage self and feel my “people-pleasing” instincts were a manifestation of politeness at the expense of backbone, or lack of confidence, or fear of rocking the boat rather than a subtly nefarious desire to control another person. However, I’ve been riding this rodeo too long to know that when something nettles me for weeks on end, there must be something deeper going on. (Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.) I’ve been wondering ever since whether there is some connection between my “people pleasing” tendencies in my teens and early twenties and my discovery earlier this year that I have on many occasions in my life assumed too much responsibility for things outside of my control. Is it all of a thread? Something about owning more than I can, or carrying more than I should?
Tangent: it seems as though there is a spectrum that runs from selfishness to self-care to empathy to people-pleasing. I suppose the ideal spot is, to borrow that quote from my sister that I’ve shared previously: “holding your needs in one hand and the needs of others in another,” i.e., right smack dab in the middle of self-care and empathy.
What do you think? Does this resonate? Have you ever been prone to people-pleasing? How did you move out of it?
+OK, but these under-$40 gingham heels are incredible. Would be sweet with a white dress for a bridal occasion, or a gender reveal (boy!), or newborn shoot, etc. I love mixing patterns at the moment, too — these would look amazing with a blue-and-white print dress.
+So many of you are loving this brilliant hat-holder for travel!
+OMG – Little English just restocked their classic quilted luggage for littles (which I just mentioned here!) and are offering a monogram on ALL FOUR PIECES of the set for only $1 through this weekend (7/18). The discount appears in cart. A great way to get a tailored and personalized tote at a reasonable price.
+Only a few of these gorgeous dresses left — perfect for a Baptism, bridal luncheon, etc. Reads Oscar de la Renta to me.
+Three great, minimalist, cotton/canvas totes for summer: this Cuyana (looks like Celine to me), this Dagne Dover, and this Paravel (I got the one with blue and red stripes! SO chic — they also just launched a few new colors).
+And speaking of straw totes, do not miss Pam Munson’s just-launched collab with Julia Amory! I love the Isla Bahia with the “clambake” dress to match (I have this dress in another print and it is perfect everyday wear!)
+Speaking of clambakes, lots of great sealife-inspired finds here. Y’all loved this post!
+And speaking of actual seafood, an indoor shrimp boil you must try.
+These earrings are in my cart. SO CHIC. Would go with everything. And $125!
+More amazing jewelry for under $125 here.
+Minnow just launched a few new colors of their ultra-popular canvas shorts for boys — I love the blue and white stripe! These will sell out quickly.
+My son is in love with these puzzles.
+Have always lusted after these beach umbrellas…sooo chic!
+Trust me, you will never want to take these off.
+Has anyone tried Hoka One One running shoes? Chic and I read a few reviews online that, despite the thick sole, they are ultra-light and great for running.