I have been bringing minimagpie to Mass with me every Sunday. Lately, she has taken to screaming at her toys during the service. Not crying, not fussing — just casually berating her Sophie or her wubbanub at the top of her lungs. On the one hand, it’s hilarious and I love to see my sassy little chickadee giving her toys a piece of her mind, but on the other hand, I can just imagine my parents: “Can you believe that mother didn’t take her child out of the Church? So distracting!” So I will often relegate myself to the vestibule and sit behind glass, listening to the priest over video instead so as not to bother the churchgoers. I sometimes wonder if I’m losing the point of going to Mass by sitting, removed, in this space with other parents with young children whirling around me. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t leave minimagpie at home with Mr. Magpie until she’s a little older. I sometimes wonder if I’m taking anything meaningful away from Mass when I sit so far away from the priest and the congregation and it’s admittedly difficult to focus on the readings while balancing a squirming babe on my hip.
This past Sunday, a mother who looked to be eight or nine months pregnant came into the vestibule with a toddler in major meltdown mode: kicking, screaming, punching, crying. She had a look of exasperation on her face as she tried multiple different tacks: “do you want to play over there?”; “why don’t you sit here?”; “a snack?”; “come give me a hug.” I was exhausted for her and empathetic to the situation, but lost track of her as I attempted to tune into the Gospel–about a mother imploring Jesus to help her child–while bottle-feeding mini.
About ten minutes later, I noticed the mother had traveled to the end of a corridor and was sitting, with her back to me, on a bench. Her son was continuing his tirade. Another woman who looked to be in her fifties emerged from the bathroom and paused at her side.
“Are you OK?” she asked. I couldn’t hear the mother’s response, but the older woman tilted her head, then sat down beside the mother and put an arm around her. “We sometimes forget how hard it is with these little ones. I’ve been there. You’re doing great.”
When the mother turned her face, I could see that she had been sobbing.
I no longer wonder whether taking mini to Mass, even when sitting in a glassed-out area of the Church, is meaningful. I have re-told this story to at least a dozen people because it moved me so deeply–it has compelled me to re-think my characteristic reticence when it comes to approaching strangers and reminded me to keep my eyes (and heart) open: there are little lessons all around me. Witnessing this casual act of kindness was the Gospel.
On a more frivolous note: I always dress up for Mass, usually in a dress but occasionally a blouse and jeans. Again, my mother’s voice in my head: “Can you believe that woman was wearing that ratty t-shirt to Mass?” At the end of the day, better to go and wear what you want than not to go at all, but I agree with my mother. I’m reminded of a quote I recently read from an interview with the designer Rosie Assoulin: “I learned from my grandmother that getting dressed up is not only for vanity but to show respect for the people you’re meeting.” Here, here, Rosie. (Also, I love your stuff and wish I could afford it.) In her honor, my top picks for Your Sunday Best, whether sitting in the vestibule of your Church or sitting down to a fried chicken supper with friends…
Sunday Best Look No. 1: The Little White Dress
Anyone who knows me knows that this Carven LWD (on sale for $330) is v. much in my wheelhouse. I love a nipped-in waist, I love stark white (so impractical with a baby and dog but oh wellll), and I love the broderie anglaise detailing. I am not joking when I say I own about six white dresses very similar to this one and wear them regularly to Mass. I wear them most commonly in an outfit fairly similar to the one Rachel of Pink Peonies is wearing above: with my Valentino Rockstud flats in white, which I still love and cherish (who knew they’d have longer staying power than a season or two? — and you can score some gently used ones on Real Real), my pink Wildfox shades (my baby pink ones seem to be sold out but these are similar, and I am obsessed with these by Carla Colour), and my Annabel Ingall leather tote ($415).
Other LWDs you’d find me in:
+This belted N/Nicholas style (on sale!!! — though I’d need to investigate how deep the vee goes…may be too much for Church).
+This drool-worthy Ulla Johnson.
+I am absolutely obsessed (!!!) with this Place Nationale midi style. OBSESSED. I can’t even with it. It will be mine.
+This lace-y wonder (under $100)!
+This timeless-looking white tunic (on sale for $93) — does it remind anyone else of the American Girl Doll Samantha’s sailor outfit?! Love.
Sunday Best Look No. 2: The Striped Shirtdress
On days where I want to look a little more buttoned-up, I love a timeless poplin stripe, like this Tory Burch beauty ($365), some smart flats ($120), my favorite black shades ($69), and a black tote (Cuyana, $195 — I MUST OWN THIS BAG FOR FALL).
+Get the look for less with this $80 TopShop striped dress — one of my favorite affordable finds for fall (and P.S., more wallet-friendly fall goodness), equally appropriate for the classroom, the conference room, the board room, etc.
+Alternately, in a different colorway, this $76 steal is so easy-chic.
+This Derek Lam stunner is GORGEOUS.
+Loveee the flared statement sleeves on this Banana score.
+And, talk about TIMELESS and AGELESS: this Polo Ralph Lauren shirtdress would be just as chic on a 20 year old paired with Supergas (select colors on sale, including my go-to gray!) as it would on an 80 year old paired with kitten heels (love the tortoise shell print! Very Jackie O.).
Sunday Best Look No. 3: The Ol’ Blouse and Jeans Situation
Finally, I am also always a huge fan of pairing an elegant blouse (this $95 steal looks a lot like a Zimmermann!) with skinnies (I still favor J. Brand above all other denim lines) and a heel (to sorta compensate for the casual-ness of denim). You know I’m obsessed with my Tory Burch Tatianas (on sale for $245!!!)
Other blouses I love for Sunday Mass:
+This oversized bow style ($148).
+This lemon-print style, on sale for $299 PLUS an extra 40% off. (And, more of my favorite picks from this sale.)
I had second thoughts about replying to this, but I thought well you are very gracious and this may be useful– my husband and I take turns with my son, and that has ended up really helping! Of course, I don’t mean to presume that your husband is also of the same faith, but if he is open to occasionally coming with you to mass, just to help, and allow you time to pray alone as needed, it may be a useful conversation to attempt!
Either way, I’ve found that motherhood has given me, and essentially all my friends that I know of, the gift of compassion. So I sometimes operate under that guise of universality to help me keep a smile on my face 🙂
Bunny! Thanks for writing this. You know what’s funny? — and I may have to write a post just on this topic — I was just thinking about the fact that I have gleaned so much *practical* advice from other moms that, in retrospect, I can’t believe I wasn’t able to figure out on my own. Things like keeping a washcloth on mini’s stomach while in the bathtub when she’s really little and there’s not enough water to cover her body to keep her warm. Or rolling up swaddles around her so she doesn’t roll around in the bassinet of the stroller. Or, you know, having your husband on hand to help in Church 🙂 So please always offer the advice! Mr. Magpie is not Catholic; we’ve had conversations about it and I never want to push the faith on him, so for now, Sundays are my time with mini. But, maybe, your post made me realize — I can find a girlfriend willing to accompany me from time to time…
And YES to compassion. How many times a week do you lock eyes with another mom in a quiet moment of solidarity??
I don’t go to church as often as I would like because it’s exhausting and I’m barely in the service. I ply my 2 year old with treats and toys but those usually work for the first 10-15 minutes, maybe 20 if I’m lucky. Yes, there’s a nursery, but I already work 40+ hours each week while he’s at daycare and I want to be with him! It’s frustrating and exhausting and I want him there to experience it…
I always tell myself that without those little ones in church, the church dies. And that helps me feel that the struggle is worth it. I feel ya, mama.
Oh, I so feel you. I want my daughter to grow up remembering Sunday as a day for Church, for prayer — so I am trying my darnedest. Hopefully there are lots of other understanding women like the one who paused next to that mother last weekend who will help us through it 🙂
Wow! I’m now one of those parents in mass who questions why those parents don’t go to the crying room. How soon we forget! Spent many masses in there. Thanks for reminding me.
On another note….I hugged a lady yesterday crying in line at Chick Fil A. Just hugged. I cared.
Also, if you didn’t read A Thoughtful Place (8/28/17 post on grief.
http://www.athoughtfulplaceblog.com
You should. So well written.
Thank you so much for sharing this post! Beautiful and inspirational — what I love about it is the way she encourages us to make space for the emotions we feel and that others feel around us instead of trying to fix or sugarcoat or hide. Thank you!!